liberalism + Socialism = Terrorism
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liberalism + Socialism = Terrorism
The Darwin Awards News Report
(1982, California) Larry Walters of Los Angeles is one of the
few to contend for the Darwin Awards and live to tell the tale. "I
have fulfilled my 20-year dream," said Walters, a former truck driver
for a company that makes TV commercials. "I'm staying on the
ground. I've proved the thing works."
Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. But fates conspired to keep him from his
dream. He joined the Air Force, but his poor eyesight disqualified him from
the job of pilot. After he was discharged from the military, he sat in his
backyard watching jets fly overhead.
He hatched his weather balloon scheme while sitting outside in his
"extremely comfortable" Sears lawnchair. He purchased 45 weather
balloons from an Army-Navy surplus store, tied them to his tethered
lawnchair (dubbed the Inspiration I) and filled the four-foot diameter
balloons with helium. Then, armed with some sandwiches, Miller Lite, and a
pellet gun, he strapped himself into his lawnchair. He figured he would
shoot to pop a few of the many balloons when it was time to descend.
Larry planned to sever the anchor and lazily float to a height of about 30
feet above the backyard, where he would enjoy a few hours of flight before
coming back down. But things didn't work out quite as Larry planned.
When his friends cut the cord anchoring the lawnchair to his Jeep, he did
not float lazily up to 30 feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if
shot from a cannon, pulled by the lift of 45 helium balloons, holding 33
cubic feet of helium each.
He didn't level off at 100 feet, nor did he level off at 1000 feet. After
climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 16,000 feet.
At that height he felt he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest
he unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed
there, drifting cold and frightened with his beer and sandwiches, for more
than 14 hours. He crossed the primary approach corridor of LAX, where
startled Trans World Airlines and Delta Airlines pilots radioed in reports
of the strange sight.
Eventually he gathered the nerve to shoot a few balloons, and slowly
descended. The hanging tethers tangled and caught in a power line,
blacking out a Long Beach neighborhood for 20 minutes. Larry climbed to
safety, where he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD. As he was
led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched to cover the daring rescue
asked him why he had done it. Larry replied nonchalantly, "A man can't
just sit around."
The Federal Aviation Administration was not amused. Safety
Inspector Neal Savoy said, "We know he broke some part of the Federal
Aviation Act, and as soon as we decide which part it is, a charge will
be filed."
_____________________________________
The Darwin Awards News Report
(May 2014, England) In the interest of public safety, Darwin Awards editors
are releasing this ribald event to the public to serve as a warning to
adventurous amorous males. The event was brought to our attention by an
eyewitness, who provided additional details (withheld for privacy reasons)
to confirm it.
"Being part of emergency services, firemen are called upon to get people
out of unlikely situations. We were summoned to the A&E Department of a
central London hospital to assist in removing a "thing ring." With our
ring cutters at the ready, we were presented with the patient, his 'meat
and two veg' extremely swollen and such a dark purple that they were almost
blackened. The whole sorry mess was encircled by a thick titanium
ring. Normally the procedure to remove a thing ring is a five-minute
affair, but our cutters could not make a mark on the titanium! After
expending a number of cutter blades we had to concede defeat.
"The man in question had put himself into this situation three days
prior to committing himself to A&E, delaying the hospital visit due
to embarrassment and a vain hope that it would resolve itself in time.
Unfortunately this error in judgement cost him dearly. The wonderful
doctors can often drain blood and remove the ring the way it went
on--yet by the time he sought help, and our tools had been defeated, his
jewels was past saving. Full castration--the result of the man's own
actions and decisions--make this eunuch a self-selected nominee for a
living Darwin Award.
_____________________________________
The Darwin Awards News Report
(25 May 2014, Georgia) 18-year-old Chance Werner had recently graduated
from high school and early on Sunday morning he was at Lake Allatoona
celebrating with friends by playing the Shopping Cart Game. Lake Allatoona
is a large reservoir created by damming the Etowah River in 1949. The
shoreline is lined with vacation rentals and campgrounds, as well as two
yacht clubs and a sailing club.
The Shopping Cart Game is evidently popular. News reports state that the
cart is usually anchored to a pole or tree at the dock. The cart is
poised on the dock, someone climbs in, and friends launch the shopping cart
off the dock and into the water. Ha! The soggy rider climbs out of the
water, the cart is reeled back in, and the game begins again.
In the wee hours of between Saturday night and Sunday morning--the timing
hints at an evening spent partying at the lake--Chance inexplicably decided
to be the tree and tie the cart to his belt. Chance took a chance
that did not stand a chance! He was dragged into the
water and drowned. Several hours later his body was recovered from nine
meters of water, still tied to the shopping cart.
Although Chance was a young man who had only just graduated from high
school, the editors voted to give him a Darwin Award because--as his family
says--the tragedy contains an important message they wish to share about
thinking before you act. "We have all done stupid things. Not one person
thought that this was not a good game to play." People of Earth! This is
not a good game to play. Leave that shopping cart at the mall, lest you
find yourself in the hereafter swapping stories with Chance.
READER COMMENT "Guess he really did make Anchor."
"Last Chance."
"Knot Funny."
___________________________________
The Darwin Awards News Report
(18 February 2014, United Kingdom) Scott McKimmie's purple Volkswagen
Cabriolet would not be considered roadworthy by most people, but to a handy
mechanic a flaw can be considered a security feature. Early on Tuesday
morning outside The Phoenix pub in Corby, the 39-year-old started the 1998
Cabriolet in his usual unusual way -- he put the car in gear and
reached beneath the hood (the 'bonnet') and touched two wires together to
create an ignition spark.
Unfortunately Scott failed to remember that he had not set the
handbrake. To make matters worse he had modified the purple VW to run with
a fast idle to prevent stalling. As black wire touched red wire the engine
turned over and started, and the car lurched forward and knocked him
over. Due to the fast idle the vehicle continued on its merry way,
inflicting 36 "separate injuries" on the unfortunate man as -- like the
Duracell/Energizer bunny -- it kept going and going.
As demonstrated in a police investigation video shown to the court, the
engine modifications allowed the car to move forward without stalling
when it was in first, second or third gear! Coroner Anne Pember recorded
a verdict of accidental death with this summary: "It is quite clear
that the cause of this tragedy was the unusual starting method Mr.
McKimmie used to start his car."
___________________________________
The Darwin Awards News Report
"Winner of the 2012 Hide And Seek Tournament."
(19 May 2014, Arizona) The mummified remains of a man discovered in a
Tucson manhole tell their own poignant story. In May the manhole was
opened to investigate a fluctuation in electrical power. According to
records kept by Tucson Electric Power the manhole had not been opened in
the past five years, so the team that entered the underground high-voltage
vault was quite surprised to find the dessicated remains of a man slumped
near cut copper wires. In his shriveled hand was -- can you guess? -- a
bolt cutter.
Crime pays so little, and costs so much. This nominee not only failed and
fried but also, nobody noticed, making his death both stupid and sad. An
autopsy confirmed the obvious conclusion that electrocution was the likely
cause of death. The date of death was set at somewhere between one and two
years previous to the discovery.
The mummy was carrying ID for a 51-year-old man, and DNA testing is
underway to verify the identiy of the crispy copper critter.
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